Does anyone ever figure out what they want to be when they grow up? My mind is always changing. For a long time I wanted to be a journalist. Then on the radio. Then a teacher. Then an Early Childhood Educator. Then a mom. Then a photographer.
I’m revisiting “The Irresistable Revolution” by Shane Claiborne. Anyone who has read this book knows what I’m going through.
Claiborne says it doesn’t matter so much what whether we are a doctor or a lawyer, but what kind of doctor or lawyer. (I know that I didn’t quote him. But this is a blog not a paper.) Right now I’m dreaming of living in the inner city just like Claiborne did. Loving people with everything that I have. The truth is, I don’t know how to do that. And every time I bring up this subject people tell me “you are loving people, you are making a difference.” And it’s not that I think that I’m not making a difference (how’s that for a sentence).
I guess I just can’t settle where I am. Just like I keep changing jobs and aspirations for something new, something “better”. I’ve heard some people say that God loves us too much to let us stay where we are. I think that is true. I think that God is growing me. I don’t know. To be honest with you, this is starting to sound cliche. I typed a bunch of stuff about little by little I’ll get there and I give what I can, blahblahblah. Then I started feeling twisty. It’s just that I never seem to find anyone in real life (meaning face to face, not some author’s opinion) that agrees with me when I say that I’m not giving all that I can. I can give more, and I choose not to. Okay maybe people will agree with that. But what about this: I can sell everything I own and live simply and give to the poor and love the poor but I don’t. . After a statement like that some people say to me: “Some people are called to the poor and some people are called elsewhere.” And I guess I feel like sometimes people are trying to tell me that I’m not called to help the poor. But WHY would I not be!? I mean, to be 100% honest, I think that we all are. I think that most people try to tell me that so that we can continue to live on however we want and forget about all the people living in poverty and starving to death. I mean they aren’t really thinking that in their minds, but subconsciously. Some people may try to talk with me about it even after they read this. I guess I ignore that feeling for a little while too but then that nagging comes back. I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do about this nagging feeling inside that says “You need to give everything you have.” Is that God speaking to me? Am I ignoring God?
And just so everyone knows I’m not trying to put myself down or anything or beat myself up. I’m just feeling desperate. I am longing for more and I have no idea how to even get there. The only thing that comes to my mind is to pray so I’m just going to keep praying until something happens. (Hey that would be a good slogan for a bracelet or something. We could even abbreviate it.)
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Maybe you can point me in the way to go.