Does anyone ever figure out what they want to be when they grow up? My mind is always changing. For a long time I wanted to be a journalist. Then on the radio. Then a teacher. Then an Early Childhood Educator. Then a mom. Then a photographer.
I’m revisiting “The Irresistable Revolution” by Shane Claiborne. Anyone who has read this book knows what I’m going through.
Claiborne says it doesn’t matter so much what whether we are a doctor or a lawyer, but what kind of doctor or lawyer. (I know that I didn’t quote him. But this is a blog not a paper.) Right now I’m dreaming of living in the inner city just like Claiborne did. Loving people with everything that I have. The truth is, I don’t know how to do that. And every time I bring up this subject people tell me “you are loving people, you are making a difference.” And it’s not that I think that I’m not making a difference (how’s that for a sentence).
I guess I just can’t settle where I am. Just like I keep changing jobs and aspirations for something new, something “better”. I’ve heard some people say that God loves us too much to let us stay where we are. I think that is true. I think that God is growing me. I don’t know. To be honest with you, this is starting to sound cliche. I typed a bunch of stuff about little by little I’ll get there and I give what I can, blahblahblah. Then I started feeling twisty. It’s just that I never seem to find anyone in real life (meaning face to face, not some author’s opinion) that agrees with me when I say that I’m not giving all that I can. I can give more, and I choose not to. Okay maybe people will agree with that. But what about this: I can sell everything I own and live simply and give to the poor and love the poor but I don’t. . After a statement like that some people say to me: “Some people are called to the poor and some people are called elsewhere.” And I guess I feel like sometimes people are trying to tell me that I’m not called to help the poor. But WHY would I not be!? I mean, to be 100% honest, I think that we all are. I think that most people try to tell me that so that we can continue to live on however we want and forget about all the people living in poverty and starving to death. I mean they aren’t really thinking that in their minds, but subconsciously. Some people may try to talk with me about it even after they read this. I guess I ignore that feeling for a little while too but then that nagging comes back. I feel stuck. I don’t know what to do about this nagging feeling inside that says “You need to give everything you have.” Is that God speaking to me? Am I ignoring God?
And just so everyone knows I’m not trying to put myself down or anything or beat myself up. I’m just feeling desperate. I am longing for more and I have no idea how to even get there. The only thing that comes to my mind is to pray so I’m just going to keep praying until something happens. (Hey that would be a good slogan for a bracelet or something. We could even abbreviate it.)
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Maybe you can point me in the way to go.
little cups of grace. 
it’s way too early in the morning to organize my thoughts in a reply. but i know these feelings. all too well. my suggestion at this point is to keep praying, but also to do something. don’t get overwhelmed with having to do something huge, something drastic, something to save the world and let it keep you from doing something small, something that could save the life of even one. gotta start somewhere.
ps. i also long to be a hippy in the inner city.
xo
i know those feelings of restlessness well. at times i’ve wondered why i’ve poured so much time, energy and money into school, when i feel like i could have just moved to africa and held babies for the rest of my life (and been content doing that). but, i know that i want something specific to offer to people as well. something that they might not receive otherwise. and for me, that’s eye care.
as a practical suggestion for you, i’d suggest going down to the inner city or a soup kitchen and taking pictures of the people there. showing them that you care enough about them to take their picture.
Start by selling pete.
Just kidding. Seriously though. No one should reason you out of anything that you feel like is from God. James talks about the man who looks in the mirror and then walks away and forgets what he looks like.
If you feel like something is right for you to do, I say do it. God will provide. If you sold your house, God would still be God. If you took an unconventional career path, God would still be God. If you went against the advice of friends and family because you felt its where he’s leading you, God would still be God…and that means things can’t be so bad. He’s just fine..not having a crisis or mental lapse..so things will be alright.
I think it’s a good thing that you are having those inner struggles. It means that God is alive and leading you. We should want to help the poor and give what we can. I feel the need to be in Africa but I know that I don’t have that opportunity right now. Just continue to love with all your heart and give all that you can.
Good, honest, from the heart, writing Chelsey. I think we all can identify. Thanks!
Hey Chelsey. I hear ya. Sometimes I feel like my little life has little to offer. But you know what, sometimes I underestimate the power of the things that I do. Maybe, less is more. And sometimes giving “all” of ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean our stuff(there are many very successful, wealthy people in the bible). Giving our “all”, I think speaks more to the heart of the matter. Have I given my whole heart to God and submerged myself entirely in the work that he has for me to do. Perhaps, I am not satisfied with what he has asked me to do. Sometimes I think “that is it, this is all?? You don’t have something big and important planned for me??” But that is my human thinking. I don’t think that God looks at the things that I do for him and says to himself “wow that wasn’t much compared to the next guy”. Remember God loves EVERYONE!!I struggle with these same feelings. Wanting something more, something “better” but God has made it quite clear for me, I am going to be in my little town doing my best for him for a long time to come. No matter how small of a thing it happens to be. Maybe God has been talking to you through all those people saying, “Chelsey you are making a difference for me.” “you are loving people”, but we pass it off as people “just saying that”. I know for me, sometimes my desire to do something “important” stands in my way of doing the small things that have been asked of me.
This is long so sorry. But you know, keep your eyes open and your ears cocked…because who knows maybe you are being called, (no one but God knows the master plan) but at the same time, don’t let desire for bigger and better make you lose focus on less is more.
Just some thought, I hope you find this a little encouraging. I struggle with this very same thing daily. Love ya. Keep praying and I will pray too!!
Chelsey Roberts….I love this post….I’m not going to lie…actually I think its kind of a downer compared to most….but I love it…and all I can think about is that I’d love to sit down and have a huge conversation with you and than give you a huge hug! I’ve been doing a lot of contemplating lately. And I miss our friendship so much and I hate that I never see you…and I think your the coolest chick from sashwan’ever! I watch this movie call the Motorcycle Diaries…its a spanish film…and it wasn’t at all about what I thought it was about…and as soon as I have a free moment I’m going to make a post on my block about it….but heres a quote I will leave you with from it. “Deja que el mundo te cambie …y podás cambiar el mundo” Let the world change you…and you can change the world. Love you!
i think anyone that feels empowered to change the world is never satisfied- always wanting more. Helping is addictive! Perhaps by combining your talent with words and pictures, you can bring a new light to situations you feel strongly about. That, and give people in desperate places a voice that may not be heard otherwise. Just a thought :)
love you!
So you picked it back up. I’m with you. Especially in the twisty part! When I’m honest with myself, I know that I could give more, and I’m faced with the reality that I’m just too selfish to do that…and then faced with the sadder reality that I don’t care enough to change that on most days. I guess I’m with Kelli in starting small. Combined with prayer, that could definitely take us somewhere!
I’m hear ya Chels. My mind space is there quite often. Too often I think.