I’m not even going to pretend like I don’t know how time flew by this fast. With two older kids, company and a newborn around, I know life has been a little busy since Christmas. And now, our little boy Isaac is one month old.
I have spent this month trying to soak up and memorize the little squeaks and murmurs a newborn baby makes. The feeling of his tiny head on my chest. The way babies stretch, arching their backs and sticking their bums out. The sound of a newborn’s cry. The faces he makes when he’s rooting (reminds me of a baby bird). The way he clasps his hands together while nursing.
I love this newborn phase so very much. So helpless and innocent, with very simple needs: hold me, feed me, change me and let me sleep. It is simple work, but it isn’t easy. It is hard to get up at all hours of the night. I lean my head against the headboard and close my eyes, thinking, I so wish I was still sleeping. But after a few minutes, I look down at my sweet little baby who just needs me: his eyes closed, his hands clasped, nursing fervently, making little squeaks and murmurs — and I know that it’s worth it. I will sleep again someday, but now is the time I have a newborn baby, and that doesn’t last long.
I have been wrestling the clock all month, trying so hard to stop time, to keep Isaac little. To keep Ezra a toddler. To keep Eva a 5-year-old. To just freeze moments so I can walk around in them, feel their warm breeze on my face, and drink them in. It hasn’t been working. Time moves on, pulling me with my heels dug into the ground. My babies keep growing, Eva and Ezra are proof of that.
It has been a sweet month, full of challenges and full of joys. I looked at Peter on Sunday as we sat on opposite ends of the couches with our three children in between us. I smiled and said, “Look at how we’ve multiplied.” I think back to us meeting for the first time, it is so funny, amazing and beautiful to compare it to who we are now, and who else is now with us.
I love you, sweet Isaac. When you are older and you read this, don’t feel bad for growing up on me. I know you can’t help it. Just know that I truly treasure you and your brother and sister. There may be moments where you don’t feel treasured in the midst of stress and chaos and I apologize in advance for those. As I write this, it is so hard to imagine that you might ever drive me crazy or that I might ever sin against you. But I know from experience, that’s just life. These things happen. Above all else, I deeply love and cherish you, and I’m so thankful for you. I wonder where God is going to take us all from here.