I’m having a hard time keeping up to the pace of blogging with which I once kept.
Right now, I feel like every moment of every day is taken up by something. I can hardly start a task before Eva and Ezra start fighting, or the baby needs something, which starts me onto some other task, with possible interruptions, and little task after little task begins and begins and it feels like I’m never really finishing anything, and by the time I’m done all that I can hardly remember what the first task was!
I remember this happening when Ezra was a baby, so I’m sure that it won’t last forever, but not being able to accomplish anything is kind of wearing on me. Day in day out of fighting against the build up of laundry, dishes, and clutter starts to feel a little pointless after a while when it just keeps coming back. Right now, I hardly seem to have any time to myself, except for at the end of the day when Isaac finally falls asleep. A couple of weeks ago I texted Bethany and was telling her how everyone was finally in bed and I was laying down in bed to read for 15 minutes of me-time. 15 minutes. And you know what? I only lasted for 10 minutes because I was so tired that I couldn’t even keep my eyes open anymore.
It makes me feel like I’m failing, despite my last post on how I’m amazing and God loves me and the only expectations that matter are his. Even though I might know this, it is still hard to believe it and I still feel like God’s idea of me loving my children includes much less screen-time and much less Kraft Dinner than what they are having. I also know this is a hard season, anytime a new little baby is around everything gets put on hold for a while and no one blames me for not having energy or time to accomplish everything, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still hard. And I just need to to voice that right now.
Jesus said that anyone who is weary or burdened should come to him and he will give them rest (Matthew 11:28) and I’ve been taking him up on his offer. I have really slowed down my social media life, it had become an idol to me, replacing time with God and taking my heart for God, and I’ve been trying to lean into God as much as possible.
It doesn’t always look like a peaceful sit down, bible study and prayer time with a candle lit and a latte in my hand. Sometimes I’m reading my bible while rocking the baby. Other times, I’m reading it on the couch while the kids run around around me and its anything but quiet. Sometimes, it is quiet and of course that’s my favourite and I can focus more and really take it all in.
I originally came here just to write a post and get some things of my chest but now I think I’m going to go and spend some time privately journalling (a way of prayer for me) and spending time with God.
I think I’m gonna feel a lot better after I do.