We went to Estonia for two weeks in July. Then we came home and it took about a week to feel normal in our time zone again, another week to get the kids and ourselves back into a regular routine and before we knew it we were headed to Saskatchewan to Clearview Christian Camp for a week, with the kids and I heading to Estevan for a week after that. Ezra got up betweeo 5:30 and 6:30 the week of camp, and at my mom’s he got up between 4:30 and 5:30 and was throwing major tantrums, not eating, and only wanting his mama. He’s been pretty clingy since we left him for two weeks. I shot an engagement session and a wedding, on top of the two family sessions I had right before we left. By the end of the trip I was physically and emotionally exhausted, we actually came home a day early because I was breaking down and needed to get the kids home. We came home for about a week, Eva started school, then I drove back out to Regina (by myself, with the kids) for Labor Day weekend and I shot another wedding, then drove home the next day. Home for a week, then my mom and Randy came for the weekend, Peter left for a week, Dayna and I had a sleepover, my birthday happened, I had two nights by myself in the house and then Karl came for a night, with his family joining us the next night, and Peter arriving home. I’ve been editing, taking care of family, taking Eva to school, and trying to keep life in order. In about a week my parents will be back for a few days, then it is my anniversary and Peter and I are trying to get away for a little vacation sometime next month. I also have four photo sessions booked for next month, oh and I’m currently 24 weeks pregnant.
So you can see how I maybe have felt a little disconnected lately. Why is it when we need God the most, it seems easiest to push him to the backburner? Why do I make idols out of these urgent, yet unimportant (nothing is as important as God) things? When life gets crazy like this and I find myself limiting my availability for God, I feel it in my life. I stop caring about whether or not I am sinning, or how I treat my family or others. I react instead of relying on God.
I spent time time journalling my thoughts and feelings yesterday and some good time in prayer. I strive to spend time reading the bible and praying every morning, but I am finding it harder to get up early as the pregnancy progresses. Last night I got 8 hours of sleep and still struggled to get out of bed this morning for a quiet time of prayer. After my time yesterday, my heart was so full of peace. I know I’ll never be perfect, but I felt I had all that I needed to love my kids and my husband with everything I had and rely on God for the rest. I try so hard in those chaotic moments to do what God would want, but sometimes you just snap. Sometimes it’s too much and I’m just so human and I react instead. But I am trusting that God has started a good work in me and that he isn’t going to stop working on me. I am praying that he will smooth my rough edges and help me to be more like him, even in the crazy moments.
I’m also looking forward to life settling down a bit here. I’m sure that will help, too.